The Protocols of the Ruffle-Crested Kikes of Zion
(Where-in the Author of the Protocols is Identified)
Professor Banjo_Billy, Kikenverminologist
patientman, of Greater London, Europe,
providing French translation and research assistance
Those wily creatures, the Common Ruffle-Crested Jews,
more difficult to track down and shove under a microscope lens than their related species,
the vampire bats. So, it was with trepidation, consternation, liberal application of insect
repellant and medicinal whiskey that I endeavored to chase these creatures from their
jungle lair and spread them out for scientific study.
To avoid hiking along the same trails that have already been investigated by
previous explorers, no researcher on safari ev
er just jumps into the jungle without first
doing the necessary studies of the scientific literature. So, the first stop in my quest was
the research stacks of my university library. There, deep in the rows of dusty dissertations
and arcane volumes, I found the first clues to tracking down the elusive Ruffled Crested
According to the histories on the subject, it seems that this particular varmint has
been causing a lot of trouble for Mankind during the past several millennia, even worse
than mosquitoes and the crocodile combined. So, I was determined to put a stop to its
depredations by studying its natural history and its characteristics in the wild. However,
unlike other flora and fauna, the Ruffled Crested Jews know how to read and write. I
found its oddly shaped tracks leading directly out of a book known as the Old Testament.
Poking their mangy bearded faces out of that book, the Ruffle Crested Jews have
proclaimed themselves, while scratching their fleas, to be the finest example of creatures
on the planet, second only to God in their immaculate wonderfulness.
This surprising revelation set me back in my chair with complete consternation. I
had always assumed that the Ruffle Crested Jews were similar to locusts or termites or
tape worms by the way they gnawed away at society through banking and stock market
swindles and by the way that they created wars in which everybody died or were made
homeless except for themselves. These were dangerous monsters, I had thought. Could I
have been wrong? Could I have been mistaken about their lies, their swindles, their
depraved perversions, their evil, and their nasty habits simply out of some bigoted
prejudice on my own part? I took a sip from my flask of medicinal spirits to sooth my
worry pangs, as I pressed onward with my studies.
From the books that the Common Ruffle Crested Jews have written about
themselves, their chirping cries and pitiful whines are clearly audible — even in print. As
I read their laudatory epistles about themselves, it was almost as if I could hear their wild
moaning from the darkest jungles as they shrugged their shoulders with palms upward,
craned their crooked necks and licked their rubbery lips. Their voices wailed through the
ages, almost coughing up hair balls, as they lisped about how they were the light of the
world, sweet and innocent of all blame, misunderstood in their quest for God, virtuous,
honest, noble, brave, supremely intelligent, generous to a fault, and as pure and bright as
the silk on a spider’s web.
“Wow” I thought, “these Jews are really something.” After reading their very own
opinions of themselves, I wondered how I could have been so wrong. These Ruffled
Crested Jews were nothing short of God’s gift to Mankind — to hear them tell about it.
To hear the Jews explain it, they are simply the most wonderful people to have ever
hatched from a snake’s egg. Yet, as a reputable scientist, I could not rely solely upon one
side of the story. It was necessary to inspect all evidence to the contrary.
Some of the evidence to the contrary is found in a small book entitled,
Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion
. After reading the
, I immediately
began oiling up my firearms, filling my bandoleers with bullets, sharpening up my
longest Bowie knives, and putting my hunting gear into order as I prepared for my safari.
Yet, there was still more research in the libraries to do first. I could almost hear the
squeaks, hisses, and curses of the Ruffle Crested Jews as I read about how they claimed
were fraudulent attempts to besmirch God’s Holy Chosen People.
As a scientist, I could not accept either the claims of the Jews or the claims of the
author of the
without inspecting both sides of th
e argument. Therefore, with the
help of an able research assistant who is fluent in French, we delved into the dark and
treacherous history of the
Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion
. And behold! There, in
the darkest swamps of French history, their cloven hooves stamped into the primordial
mud along with the sinuous tracks made by their pointy tails dragging in the ooze, we
found the secret trails of the Common Ruffled Crested Jews.